I have spent a lot of time over the years pondering my past, hating myself and just feeling stuck as being average and unworthy of anything good, happy or joyful to happen to me.
A lot of people reading this might be shocked to hear this, as I think I generally come across as a happy go lucky gal. Most would say that I have achieved so much and that I should be proud of myself but the real truth is no matter what I do, I never seem proud of myself or my achievements. And the fact is I have carried a lot of guilt and sadness about myself with me. My past hasn’t been hectic or terrible really, considering other peoples issues, mine are minor. Yet I still haven’t been able to let go of my past and forget about it, and deeper than that, to actually forgive myself and learn to love myself.
I put a lot of pressure on myself to keep up appearances and to always be a good daughter, sister, girlfriend, friend and person – yet I am so unsure of myself, I often feel inadequate in all these areas. I started this blog initially to prove “everyone” wrong. Because in my mind if I think I am average, then I guess everyone assumes I am average too. But what this blog has shown is so much more than I could have ever expected.
I don’t have a lot of followers but I have a lot of readers, and a lot of friends and family pushing me on. For example: My boyfriend’s mum sends such sweet motivational smses each time I post. And friends have admitted that they too feel the way I do about their bodies and weight issues over sms, and calls – all coaching me on.
I guess what I am trying to say is that my body and weight issues stem from more than “just lose the weight and you will be happy” or “if you work out, it will de-stress you which will make you happy” – my sadness is something that I have been carry for so long, that a “quick fix” is not going to really work. That all of these issues and a lot more deeper issues come from my past and that I need to start accepting it, accepting that the past cannot be changed. The only way I can truly move forward and truly learn to accept and love myself is by letting go and forgiving me, forgiving my past.
Because regardless of the tiny voice in my head saying I can’t, or I am not good enough… this blog has shown me that I am great and that I can, and I will move forward a happier me.