I haven’t had the best track record when it comes to making friends, which goes right back to high school days really and I think has a large part to play in my self esteem. When I was younger it was all about making LOTS of friends, and never really about the quality of friendships I had. I had friends that used me, treated me terribly, made me cry and I would still be friends with them because I thought I was “lucky” to have them as friends, I never stood up for myself and demanded great friendships.
So over the years I have really had to look inside at myself and at my friend circles and chose to be friends with people who truly are like-minded, care for me, and are true friends to me in return. Quality over Quantity. I have learnt the hard way that no matter how good a friend you are, there is no guarantee that a person will be a great friend back to you.
So I’ll admit, over the past few years I’ve become rather fussy in terms of who I spend my time with and who I truly want to be friends with… I have been hurt by previous friendships so badly that I have actually stopped trying to make new friends, and kind of become a bit of a recluse.
This is a bit of a problem, since all my best friends (the ones that know the real me from inside out) actually live pretty far away from me. I have a few select good friends up here in Johannesburg, but not as close as the friendships I have in Durban, Cape Town, and even in South Korea! 😦
I mentioned in my previous post that I went on a hike with a bunch of girls – this was a huge deal for me actually. I only knew one of the girls, someone I consider a close friend (one of a few up here in JHB) and it meant that I had to put myself in an environment of getting to know other girls. I don’t know why but these types of situations stress me out – I always feel awkward and out of place… Will they like me? Will they find my jokes funny? Will they want to be friends with me? All these negative thoughts go through my head… and very often I will find any excuse to get out of it. Even with this hike I started in the morning thinking: perhaps I should cancel? they won’t want me there? maybe I should just go for a run on my own?
I think the point I am trying to get across is that, in life, in training, and in finding happiness… its all about pushing yourself into a situation you have previously never been in. The only way you can change is by changing the way you do things, the way you think and most importantly the way you think about yourself