Truth is I ain’t happy. Truth is I have always battled to be happy. Its not a situation that has ever come easy to me. Call it being fake or call me a fraud or worse deny that I am what I say I am – but I am not a happy person. I may know how to act like a happy person, I actually do it really well. I can put on a sweet smile, crack joke (usually at my own expense), bounce in and out of a room with enthusiasm but truthfully behind all that is a sad, tired, unhappy girl. A girl still looking to find herself. and figure out how to genuinely be happy.
So as you can see I have had a few set backs from all the goals and dreams I preached so hard about last year, I slid right back to the bottom of the hill and I am now staring up looking at this crazy big hill and I am angry. Angry at myself for somehow slipping. Angry that I didn’t prove everyone wrong, but more importantly that all my worst fears came true – I slipped back into an old familiar self-hate mode and I am not sure how I get myself back on track.
So this isn’t a happy little post, say “whoops, y’all I fell behind but I am back on track, woohooo! Go ME!”. This is me saying, well then whats the point really? I have said that a lot lately about a lot of situations. WHAT IS THE POINT (usually with a few swear words mixed in with that statement). The love of my life, my soul mate, my best friend, the man who has stuck by me through thick and thin (and now a bit more thicker) pointed out that a person asking what the point is, is a person still wanting the change, so perhaps there is still hope for me.
All I can say is that, although I haven’t put all the weight back on, I haven’t been to gym in weeks, I haven’t run in weeks, I have literally been sitting here trying to gather the energy and fake smile to pick up and restart. Because lets face it, I know I need to restart, and truthfully I do want to restart.
But more than running and the gyming and the getting fit and healthy, I want ever so much to be happy. For real. So that’s my truth for today, that’s the real me, baring it all to the web folk to see and judge and say “Ag shame”. but I don’t want that. what I want is for someone to tell me what the point is. So that maybe I can be happy, for real. Perhaps this just makes the end result even more sweeter, because when I get there I can look back and say, “See, you did it, you actually did it, and this was the point all along”.