I have wanted to post this for quite some time. A few times just because it’s been a burning topic on my mind. But now when faced with the question: “why run a half marathon?” The issue has again arisen and I set out to be truthful on this blog, hence I am posting this now. It may offend some, some might not understand, but this blog is about my truth and about my journey.
One of my best and worst quality is my stubborn nature. I am stubborn when I have put my mind to something. Stubborn when I disagree with someone elses opinion. And even more stubborn when it means proving someone wrong. So running a 21km half marathon because most people just wouldn’t expect it from me fits perfectly with my stubborn nature.
“Screw what you think, let me prove you wrong.”
For most of my teenage life my stubborn nature was to dig my heels in. It was to stop and not do what anyone else said, even at the detriment of myself, it was to not listen to the full story and jump to conclusions. To take what I heard and keep inside of me and never to show the hurt or my feelings on the words that were spoken. I have, for as long as I can remember been told that I am cursed by my genes, that I have an inclination to be fat, and that I need to work at losing my fatness for the sake of all around me. All I heard was that it was my ugly secret. My ugly problem that I was just born to be fat and that if I just worked out, watched what I ate, and was a good girl then maybe just maybe I would be cured of my fatness. The truth is, every time anyone made a comment about my weight I immediately shut myself down and dug my heels in and processed it all in a sick twisted way.
“Well then I guess I will just be fat”
It never occurred to anyone how hurt it made me feel, because all anyone could see was that I was being stubborn. In high school I tried weird diets of just not eating anything, like nothing, except dinner because then my parents would notice. I went without breakfast, “forgot” to pack a lunch or threw it away at school. No one noticed. I think possibly they were thinking, look she is trying to fix her fat gene. Then in varsity I went with screw that mentality. the complete opposite which was to eat and drink anything in front of me, regardless the consequences. I told myself I was happy being what ever weight that I was, that I was a happy person. Truth was I was just hurt. Hurt that I was cursed with a fat gene. I truly believed all the crap that was fed to me was going to make me feel better – it never did.
I turned 30 and life got better. I grew into myself. Took accountability of my actions and my stubbornness. Met a man that finally saw the pain I held in my eyes and who loved me regardless. I decided to bury the past. Forgive the words that were said and move forward on what I wanted. Not what everyone else wanted for me. I decided I did want to get fit, I wanted to feel comfortable in my own skin and that I wasn’t prepared to starve myself to get skinny. But I also wasn’t going to beat myself up if I ate a chocolate or if I skipped a run. I learnt to squelch the voices in my head that use to shout “you are not good enough if you don’t weigh less than a 15year old girl”.
I realised that the voices were actually coming from inside of me. It was an evil side of my own person that truly believed I was cursed and that I was ugly and that no one would love me if I weren’t perfect. It was all in my head. That I am my biggest critic. I am still learning to forgive myself, to go easy on myself, to just love myself for me.
So why choose a 21km run as my next goal? Because I know that my stubborn nature will do it. That for me to get to a place where I make my own decisions for myself, and not based on what I think others expectations are. I need to run, run out my hurt, run out my anger, run out my stress and anxiety. and just run for me. For the pure love I have of me and the faith in myself that I can achieve anything I put my mind to.